In the mind of a suicide bomber [Archives:2002/20/Focus]

BY S. ALAZEIB,
LONDON, UK
[email protected]
I would just like to start by explaining that I, in no way advocate or support suicide bombing, not matter how hard people have tried to convince me. But, I can understand why a 16 year old girl, a middle aged man with five kids, a mother, a young man…etc may decide to sacrifice their life.
I come from Palestine, No, not Pakistan.
Does no one here know their geography or history?
I am a Palestinian.
Rational? How can I be? When everything around me is irrational? When Ive spent my growing years in a non-sensical environment? When my teacher has beaten me to a pulp to learn otherwise.
I am a Palestinian..
I have more wounds than you can ever imagine
Freedom? A bird in a cage enjoys more freedom than I.
My wings have been snipped, but only after theyve been slowly crushed bone by bone.
I am a Palestinian, and the dead in their graves have more air to breath.
Wake up and smell the blood. Wake up and smell the souls of the dead, lingering in the air. Open your eyes to see beyond the gates of your comfortable houses and rosey gardens. Wake up from your never never land dreams and absorb reality.
I am a Palestinian.
My mother brought me into life, with all the love in the world.
But you.
You instilled the word HATE in me.
You taught me how to read it.
You taught me how to spell it.
But most of all, you taught me how to FEEL it and then act upon it.
Why is it horrifying when a suicide bomber attacks? Why is it NOT horrifying when you throw your missiles about, as if learning some new computer game? Why is it NOT horrifying when you randomly empty your guns at innocent people? Why??
Why does the idea scare you so much? Is it because someone is actually willing to sacrifice their life? To end it themselves in the name of their people and land?
How can you understand? You cowards, hiding behind your tanks, afraid of little boys. Firing your bullets with eyes shut tight. Protecting yourselves with living shields. How?? How can you comprehend the notion that giving up ones life, in a lifeless life, fills one with life?
I am a Palestinian, and I will stand tall.
No matter how many rubber-wrapped bullets you aim at me.
You ask yourself, why is this happening? Dont make me laugh. You are the ones who have nurtured us and made us what we are….you have created so much fear in our lives, that we fear no more, not even our master.
How about the innocent lives? you say innocent? How can they be so innocent when they sit and watch silently our slow death, and our ever-lasting torture?
Dancing the night away, knowing they have a home to return to. Enjoying a quiet family meal/ celebration, where all members of their family are accounted for.
Those old people are more of culprits than the younger ones. Theyve lived longer, seen more and yet said nothing. They, of all people should understand. And those poor children..well one day they will grow, and become innocent no more….
I am a Palestinian.
And, you are my master.
You continue to teach and inspire me, but I always seem to get it wrong,
So, you punish me.
And the more you punish me, the harder I try
But, the harder I try, the more I get it wrong.
You are all guilty, guilty of accepting, guilty of supporting, guilty of disregarding, guilty of fear, guilty of believing, guilty of not questioning, and guilty of selfishness.
Those of you who really are innocent will go to heaven. Why should I care? When no one cares about me, my family or land? You ask if I have feelings at all?
Yes, I have feelings of anguish, feelings of rage, feelings of humiliation, feelings of violation, feelings of pain and feelings of hate.
I am a Palestinian.
I am lower than scum.
I have less rights than an animal.
No, I have no rights at all.
But, I deserve it, dont you think?
Because I am a Palestinian.
On the brink of madness? I wish that way, I wouldnt be living this brutal reality.I have to do something, maybe this time you will understand, maybe this time you will stop and listen.
I am a Palestinian. And even when I die, I shall remain a Palestinian.
And you will remember that.

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