Engagement in Yemen a variety of traditions and habits [Archives:2006/967/Reportage]
By: Fatima Al-Ajel
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With the limitations of Yemeni life, questions often are asked about how Yemeni women become engaged. As Yemeni culture is unique, so too are Yemeni engagement traditions. Different customs from one era to another and what's allowed or possible in Sana'a might not be the same in Aden, etc.
Deliberate visits to see the fiancee
Marriage among related families is easier than marriage between different families. If the families don't know each other well, the man's mother begins visiting the woman's family to get to know her better.
Actually, it's unacceptable to visit the woman's family for this purpose so a mother must create reasons for such a visit because it's not ok to say, “We propose asking for your daughter's hand,” when nothing is known about the woman or her family except that the man's mother and sisters feel she is who her son wants. They talk to her mother and ask for her hand and then the women of both families start discussing everything related to the couple.
In cities like Sana'a, Dhamar and others, the potential fiance isn't allowed to see the woman he wants to marry before engagement, and likewise, it's impossible for the woman to see her fiance too. Some men accept their mother's or sisters' description of the woman and that's enough for them, whereas others reject it completely.
Adel Omar of Sana'a recounted, “My mother chose my fiancee. She went to her house, saw her and then asked for her hand. I asked my fiancee's father if it was possible to see her before engagement, but he rejected, saying, 'I don't have girls for showing. You either accept her or go away.' Then I got engaged without seeing her.”
However, Rasas Al-Gashem rejected getting engaged without seeing his fiancee. “I wasn't satisfied with my sister's description of my fiancee, so I went to her father and told him it was my right to see the woman who will be my wife and that it's not forbidden or wrong because the prophet Mohammed (pbuh) said it's better for both to see each other before marriage. Then, because her father is a righteous person, he let me see her and now we're married,” Al-Gashem said.
Generally, women also don't have a chance to see their fiance, especially if he lives far away or isn't a relative, so they await the engagement day to see him when he comes to her house. When asking women how they saw their fiance, Nawal Al-Adrous of Sana'a replied, “I saw him from my bedroom window, but I wasn't sure if he was my fiance because many men entered with him and I got confused.”
However, cities like Taiz, Aden and others believe it's important for both to see each other before becoming engaged, so families make it a rule. The woman's family arranges a party and invites the fiance to see her.
Mohammed Bin Sallam of Taiz, who has been married for 33 years, recalled, “Thirty years ago, women in Taiz didn't cover their faces. I knew my fiancee because we were neighbors. Everything was simple. We held small party for the engagement, inviting just our families. That was enough, unlike now, when many requests must be presented to the fiancee.”
Nowadays, some parents in Sana'a are changing the concept that refuses the man from seeing his fiancee, preferring that they must know each other before marriage. Haj Saleh Awad requested his daughter's fiance see her by telling him, “You must see her because maybe she's not what you're looking for. If not, just tell me because we're at the beginning and you can look for someone else,” Awad recounted.
Moreover, with the new Yemeni lifestyle, men and women now have the chance to see each other in various settings, such as teachers at school, doctors and nurses at hospitals or workers in offices.
University students Abdulaziz Al-Thabibi and Latifah Yahya got engaged after being friends for four years. “We were doing the practical assignments together and that helped me to get to know her more. When I felt that she was the suitable one to be my wife, I became engaged to her. We're now married and both working as nurses at Al-Kuwait Hospital,” Al-Thabibi said.
The role of the woman's father
The roles of the father and brothers begin when women determine that everything is ok, with the father asking about the fiance's behavior. Raja'a Japer, who is engaged, said, “My father and brothers spent three months asking about my fiance at every place he goes. When they found that he is a good person, they accepted him.”
The woman's family notifies the man's of their acceptance through al-wasidah, a person who takes on the role of introducing both families to each other, especially if they don't know each other. He takes charge of doing so from the first step, engagement, to the last step, marriage. He or she also arranges meetings during the engagement day. If something is misunderstood or unacceptable to both families, they inform al-wasidah and he must explain and handle it with them.
Hamoud Al-Harthi recalls, “I was al-wasidah for my neighbor's marriage. I gave all the information the woman's family needed about the man and his family. It was a difficult role, but I had to do it because I knew both families well.”
Engagement day
When al-wasidah informs the man's family of acceptance by the woman's, they decide on the engagement day. In Sana'a, men generally visit the woman's family on engagement day, holding a short meeting to present gifts from the fiance and name how much money will be given to the wife for marriage, which is called mahar or shart. It's important for the man to visit his fiancee's house with his father and uncles, otherwise, the engagement won't be accepted.
Such happened to Saeed Al-Khawlani. Everything was ok, but he went alone on the engagement day and not with his father or uncles, so the woman's family rejected Al-Khawlani because they thought he came without his father's acceptance, which is a shame in Yemeni culture. In some eras like Taiz and Aden, a party holds on this day for the fiancee wherein the man has the chance to see her.
Engagement requests
The engagement ring is the main gift given to the woman. Additionally, other gifts like jewelry, perfume and sandals are given to the fiancee, her mother and grandmother, as is known in Sana'a. Mohammed Al-Ajel, who has been engaged, recalled, “I brought a large bag full of gifts on the engagement day and I paid the money for qat. I spent more than YR 100,000 just for the engagement.”
However, in other cities like Taiz and Aden, the fiance brings just the engagement ring and some simple gifts. Osama Haza'a from Aden commented about his engagement, “I bought a ring, flowers and a cake and then made a party at my fiancee's house. It was a good chance for both families to know each other more.”
Among the variety of cultures and customs in Yemen, new traditions are being born that will help change negative aspects and create wonderful new ones.
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