A short story about Dreaming of Saddam [Archives:2004/784/Opinion]

Russell Whitehead
For The Yemen Times
Without question I knew better. I mean, how many times have I heard 'don't eat a big meal right before bed, especially not a spicy big meal'. But I got home late, ordered a large anchovy pizza and popped on cable news. As usual there were stories about Iraq violence, more Iraq violence and what's this, a statement by Kofi Annan about Iraq violence.
The pizza arrived. I devoured it down to the last anchovy, followed by a quart of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I slowly drifted off to sleep still with the hum of Iraq, Iraq, Iraq in my ears. It's surprising what the mind can conjure up under such circumstances.
The next thing I knew I was a high-powered attorney in a custom pinstripe Armani suit in a courtroom standing before an old, stern-looking judge and charged with defending Saddam Hussein! Whoa! And not just a part of a defense team. I had sole and total responsibility for his outcome.
What's more, in this court system, the client's attorney met the same fate as the client. Something about the aggrieved parties not being able to extract enough vengeance with a sole defendant in such circumstances. Talk about motivation!
I sat through quietly as the prosecution presented witness after witness extolling the former dictators heinous acts, day after day, week after week for 8 1/2 months. All the time Saddam glowered at me. Occasionally he made a gesture with his flattened right hand running across his throat to signal it would be my head! Yikes!
And during all this time I had to look up at a large oil painting of “W' that was directly behind the judge, a king-sized “W” portrait with that kind of a non-descript smile like “nobodies home upstairs”.
When the prosecution concluded its case the judge turned to me. I excitedly pulled out the witness list I had prepared contained on a paper scroll. Oh my clumsiness! The scroll fell to the floor and rolled out its entire 50 meter length, every centimeter filled with witness names!
The judge began to speak. To my surprise he said nothing about my disruption to the courtroom. Rather he began: “Its 10 o'clock now. We'll take a 15 minute break, after which you can begin questioning your witnesses. Then this afternoon closing arguments will begin.”
Closing arguments? CLOSING ARGUMENTS? “But your honor, the prosecution had 8 1/2 months to present their case during which time I wasn't allowed to ask a single question cross-examining any witness. And now you're giving me less than 2 hours to present my case? Whose idea of justice is that?”
“First of all, Mr. High-Powered-Attorney, another outburst like that and I will hold you in contempt of court. You know the penalty for that, don't you?”
I grimly nodded my head knowing full well the penalty for contempt of court was getting sent to Abu Ghraib, stripped naked, dressed only in a homely pink bonnet and shown on perpetual late night reruns of Reality Iraqi Justice on cable. In my pudgy physical condition it was without doubt a fate worst than death!
“And since you asked, Mr. High-Powered-Attorney, the decision to give you an opportunity to mount a defense for your client comes from the very highest seat of justice on the planet, The Israeli Supreme Court. Otherwise you wouldn't even get that opportunity. Any questions, Bub?”
I grimly shook my head in the negative. I could feel the eyes of every courtroom observer on me as the blood drained from my face and I staggered to reach the back door of the room which was suddenly the size of a football field. In passing I glanced over at Saddam. His right hand kept moving back and forth at his throat like an unemotional mechanical figure. I was doomed!!! Saddam was doomed!!! And yet I wondered how many of those courtroom observers pictured me at Abu Ghraib naked in a pink bonnet. Oh cruelty!
I had good fortune on the break. My luck was about to change. I was able to order and down four expressos in 15 minutes. Boy was I wired now! Try to stop me.
The trial resumed.

“Do you have any witnesses? Then I suggest you call them.”
“Yes, your honor. For my first witness I call Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon.”
“You're kidding, aren't you?”
“No your honor he was on my witness list.”
“Yeah, but he had a prior engagement that took precedence. I guess there was a $1.98 all-you-could-eat brunch at the Hungry Bagel going on at this very moment. Next Witness.”
I was understandably stunned. But I proceeded on thanks to my four expressos. ” I call the bag man, Benjamin Netanyahu, Israeli Finance Minister.”
” I guess it won't come as a surprise to you that he's enjoying brunch in the company of Mr. Sharon. Next witness.”
OK. So I couldn't get any witnesses from Israel. That's not too surprising. But surely America has to be cooperative in Saddam's trial. They were most vocal in wanting to show the Iraqi people how justice works. “For my next witness I'll call Senate Leader Bill 'openness is the hallmark of democracy' Frist.”
“Not available.”
“OK any of the other 99 senators on the witness list.”
“Not available.”
“At brunch with Sharon?”
“Hey, somebody has to pick up the tab. Next witness.”
” I'll call Assistant Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz. And if he's not available Douglas Feith, Larry Franklin or any of the other neocons from the Pentagon.”
“Not Available.”
“Don't tell me they're at brunch with Sharon?”
“I don't think so. Last I heard they were living in some caves in Tora Bora.”
“Yeah come to think of it its probably not safe for them back home with their faces on the new deck of cards and all. OK. Steve Rosen of AIPAC?”
“Nope”
“Oh come on judge. And I so wanted to ask Mr. Rubin if he can still conduct business in the dark now that AIPAC is radioactive.”
” Now let's get on with it! Do you have any more witnesses?”
“Just one your honor. I call Kofi Annan to the stand.”
“Not available.”
“Your Honor, I can't believe that Mr. Annan didn't show. I suppose you're going to tell me he's at brunch with Sharon too?”
“Don't be silly. We just didn't invite him to the proceedings. Too much of a doom and gloom contrarian you know. If the defense has no further questions, then we'll break early for lunch. Be back at 1 o'clock sharp for closing arguments.”
I was devastated. What kind of attorney can't call a single witness or ask a solitary question in the biggest trial this century? I couldn't eat anything for lunch, you know, thinking about the possibility of getting cited for contempt of court and having to wear that unattractive pink bonnet. But I was able to down 6 more expressos, glory be! Somehow I didn't feel like the failure I so obviously was.
The extended lunch break, even though over 2 hours long, was all too short. It was now time for closing arguments.
The prosecution was smug and arrogant. They felt their case was a “slam dunk” and acted like it. Their summary was short “Hey, dumb brown-skinned people of the jury, you've seen the overwhelming evidence against Saddam Hussein and his stupid attorney. Now off these clowns.” With that he sat down, glanced over at me and HE motioned his right hand in a sawing motion across his throat! Oh great. Just what I need.
Well at least he didn't make reference to a pink bonnet.
When it was my turn I couldn't help but notice that the judge was starting to drift off. He obviously didn't have any of those expressos. Not even a laite. I'll bet he must have had the turkey special. Turkey with Tryptophane. Yes, that's it. And I remember him going back for seconds. I wondered: was this the work of Saddam's diabolical chemical and biological weapons program? As the judge's head nestled in his arms on top of the desk, I could hear faint but unmistakable snoring. Finally some fair and balanced justice.
This was my chance to earn my big high-powered attorney fees. A victory meant a lifetime supply of anchovy pizzas and a bathtub full of Ben and Jerry's. I was almost ready to explode from the excitement. Or maybe that was from the 10 expressos I had chugged down today. Either way I was READY.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. We fully admit that my client – the guy over there with the hugh right hand swinging mindlessly back and forth under his chin – my client was a baaaad man . Terrible. The worst. Everything the prosecution said about his sordid activities is true.
But so what? Iraq was, and is, a tough country to run. I mean, do you feel safer now than when Saddam was in charge? Are you economically better off now than with Saddam? Ask yourself are there more or less Iraqi bodies lying in the street under the 'coalition of the willing' than under Saddam?”
I was just getting warmed up. I hadn't even begun my smoking-gun argument to the jury. Ah, the judge was entering REM sleep, nice and quiet and docile. Saddam's right hand dropped down to scratch his crotch and thoughts of that pink bonnet began to fade. LET'S GET IT ON!!!!
I now showed video clips of cable to the jury. Even though they hadn't been placed into evidence during the trial! The prosecution objected strenuously. But their pleas fell on deaf ears – more accurately- sleeping ears. Saddam that sly fox had hidden his chemical and biological weapons in turkeys. Here we were searching for stockpiles of chemical OR biological weapons in Iraq and Saddam combined the two, stuffed them down some of those big birds and had them sitting right under our nose the whole time. Absolutely brilliant! Who in the world would have thought to look there? Hats off to you Saddam!
I was back to addressing the jury, which wasn't easy since I had to talk over the prosecutions constant screams of protest. “Ladies and gentlemen, you heard Kofi Annan declare the war illegal. Now that means there was no basis for the United States and the 'coalition of the willing' to invade Iraq and topple this fine cut of a man with the larger-than-life right hand. So you have to ask yourself, 'Why would they do it'”
You also should ask yourself 'Why would the United States congress approve a special $10 billion payment to Israel? I mean that's $6000 per Israeli child while at the same time congress burdened. US children with a deficit of $7000 each in a single year? On the scoreboard of life that's Israeli kids with a lead of +$13,000 over US kids! And that's just one payment in one year. I don't know if Israeli children are considered God's chosen people but they most certainly are the chosen people of the United States congress.
“Do you think Israel has any good reason to refuse the United States an audit into disposition of the special $10 billion paid by the US congress even after hearing Sen Frist say 'openness is the hallmark of democracy? Why does Israel insist on keeping their $10 billion as a secretive slush fund? And do you think its a coincidence that Israel's $10 billion slush fund deposit just happened to be included in the congressional bill for the $87 billion to fund the Iraq war?”
“Do you have any idea how much $10 billion is? I know its difficult for us ordinary human beings to comprehend such a large amount of money but let me try to tell you anyhow. Why its enough to provide 100 people with $10 million each and 435 people with $2 million each and still have over $8 billion left to buy other 'friends' in many countries.”
“You also heard how Israel's western agent, AIPAC, arranged biannual trips to Israel for US senators, representatives and numerous other centers of political influence. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you: do you think these politicians were so overcome with religious fervor that they felt compelled to visit the Holy Land? Or maybe they couldn't find a good vacation beach in Florida,, California, Hawaii or the Caribbean? What do you think? Or maybe they just happened to find travel to Israel a rewarding trip, a HIGHLY rewarding trip.”
“Now fighting a war isn't free. It costs lots of money. Even more expensive if you hire others to fight your war for you. And poor little Israel wasn't big enough on their own to buy the war the neocons drew up for them. What to do? What to do? I know well get the United States to fight our war. Yes. And we'll get the United States to give us the money needed for the payoffs in this illegal war to senators and representatives as well as other centers of influence in the US, UK, Italy, Australia, etc. Yes. That will do the trick!”
“So in closing let me summarize for you. We have the United States Congress overwhelmingly voting to give Israel an obscene $10 billion concurrent with funding for the Iraq war. You have Israel taking that money and establishing a $10 billion secretive slush fund. You then have Congress coming to Israel in droves through AIPAC arranged trips. Then amazingly any little thing that Israel desires, Israel gets, including an illegal US led invasion into Iraq.”
“So all I ask of you is to connect the dots and do the right thing for your native son, Saddam.” Blank stares. That didn't register.
Let's try a different approach. “What I meant to say is I want you to follow the money to see what's behind the unwarranted attack on my poor innocent client.” Still no perceptible response from the jury. Not good.
“What I really meant to say, ladies and gentlemen, is in making this important decision to free my client rely on your common sense” Still no indication that I'm getting through.
“Oh, whatever. You know what I mean!” But there was no indication that they did. To say the least I was getting frustrated by now. In my desperation I turn my back to the jury to look at the judge who's now beginning to stir from his nap. Oh, great. Just what I need, more pressure. I glance up at the king-sized picture of “W” when suddenly it hits me.
I spin back around to face the jury while pointing up to “W”. “If the lightbulb's not lit, you must acquit……. if the lightbulb's not lit, you must acquit….. if the…” Suddenly I see the juries faces light up. In unison they began slowly nodding in agreement. I could even see some of them begin moving their lips …. if the lightbulb's not lit, you must acquit …. if the lightbulb's not lit……..
I decided to end my close on that note.
All the while the prosecutor was going absolutely ballistic. Finally, he even went over to shake the judge awake. And he did. To his regret. Big mistake. The judge cited him for contempt and battery.
Groggily the judge ordered the jury to the deliberation room. They left single file looking like they're dancing the Conga while mouthing the words 'bulb not lit, must acquit… bulb not lit, must acquit…' The judge glared intently at me, knowing full well that I had something to do with this turn of events. But he wasn't about to admit that he was snookered by Saddam's chemical and biological turkeys.
The jury only took 2 1/2 hours to return a verdict, in a trial that lasted more than 8 months. They could have reviewed reams of evidence provided by the prosecution including pictures of gruesome mass graves, beheadings, torture, rape and on and on. They chose not to. And in the end they returned a unanimous “Not Guilty” verdict on all counts.
Following the conclusion of proceedings both Al Jazeera and CNN interviewed the jurors in depth. Although desiring diametrically opposing outcomes, they both determined that, to a person, jury nullification was cited as the reason for the verdict. A quote obtained from the jury forman summarized the panels feelings:
“Without question Saddam Hussein was shown to be a dangerous and brutal thug. But we reject the assertion that Israel should dictate the fate of ANY Iraqi, particularly using the Zionists self-centered and deeply corrupt payoffs to the American political system to do their bidding. It is a miscarriage of justice not only to Saddam Hussein and the people of Iraq but towards every Arab and Muslim in the world.” And here I thought I wasn't getting through to them. They understood everything I had said. Just goes to show you should never underestimate the power of a fair and balanced jury when they understand the true facts.
Saddam walked out of the courthouse a politically powerless but free man.
At last word there was a movement to erect a new statue of Saddam Hussein in Iraq, exceeding the height of any that had come before it. I saw the prototype. It was a highly complimentary rendering of Saddam. But I found it rather odd that he was in a saddle astride a turkey. Oh well. I never did much understand art.
When I awoke, I was in a cold sweat and made my way, rubbing my eyes, to the bathroom. As my eyes began to focus, I was crushed! The bathtub wasn't filled with Ben and Jerry's ice cream! It was all just a cruel dream. Oh well, maybe that's just as well. It had been some time since I gave the tub a good cleaning anyhow. I'll bet there wasn't a load of anchovy pizzas down in the kitchen either. Drat!
On the bright side at least there weren't any of those menacing pink bonnets seen lurking about.
——
[archive-e:784-v:13-y:2004-d:2004-10-25-p:opinion]